And Now, More New Rules for Everyone (vol. 107)

Last week, the Extremely Online/Still on Twitter For Some Reason world was all atitter about New York Magazine’s “New Rules” of etiquette, some of which were spot-on, some absolutely ghastly, and some a little too specific to just living in New York City. Here are a few of my faves from their list:

As someone with a weird-ish name, I try to ask everyone how to correctly pronounce their name or if they have another they prefer. I’ve been on so many calls where someone struggles to sound out my name. Most often it’s: “…Lay?” because most people assume Leigh rhymes with “weigh” or “sleigh,” which is understandable, but not how it’s pronounced in my case (it’s Lee).

Number 26 is a HARD agree for me. I learned a lot of vocabulary through reading as a child, but I didn’t always know the correct pronunciation. If you call someone out or make fun of how they said something, you are the jerk in this situation.

I get this, even though I myself am an astrology enthusiast. I may mention it in conversation when relevant, but I won't go in-depth unless someone wants to discuss further. Also, some folks just don’t need to know all my natal placements and current transits, and that’s that.

Just… don’t even attempt it. Personally, I like “fellas” because it sounds similar and two syllables ("Fellas in Paris" flows much better than "Friends") but the smoothest move is to just not select or join in on songs with those lyrics. It’s very simple, you know which ones they are, and avoiding it makes everyone’s life a lot better.

WHEW, this has been a thing for me for most of my adult life. If someone tells me I can have the last piece, I absolutely will have it unless I am completely full. I will eat a whole donut brought into the office, not slice it into halves or, god forbid, quarters to gnaw on for 20 minutes. I will eat two pieces of pizza if I am hungry for two pieces. Truly: if you want the food, eat the food.

I feel this, as someone who Writes Stuff On The Internet. If you share a new blog or a Petstagram for your dogs or perform live somewhere or showcase your art, I want to know about it and I want others to know about it too. Do not be embarrassed of your “side hustle” or however you spend your spare time instead of allowing yourself to go insane.

Number 133 is one of the more important things to understand: not everyone is going to want to sign up for your newsletter or YouTube page or anything that requires them to be more active online than they already are. Reminder: the Internet sucks for most people now. My spouse has been off social media for 5+ years now, and while he has sadly missed some of my finest meme-reposts, I don’t expect him to go back onto platforms he doesn’t use or enjoy just to like what I post. He does, however, subscribe to this newsletter... 😎

However, this big ole list didn’t quite cover some of the everyday etiquette instances tha't aren't as mainstream as they should or have been fading over the years. So I'm joing the ranks of several Extremely Online writers who devised their own lists in response–here are 10 rules I would add. Not all of them are “new” per se, but are worth reviewing and refreshing for our current society if we all want to make it out alive with our sanity in tact.

COMMUNICATION

• Keep your phone on silent and/or vibrate. Always. Everywhere, or at least in public spaces. This includes text notifications and the email send whoosh, and especially weird animal sounds like the cricket sound or the duck quack (which should be abolished completely). No one wants to hear your notification sounds or thinks they’re cute and quirky. If you even have a specific ring tone (or, ultimate cringe: bought one), that’s your first hint right there.
  
• Don’t call if it’s NOT an emergency. If you call me on the phone, I will think something is wrong and pick up in a panic unless it’s FaceTime. Please do not do this if you just want to chat. This is true for nearly all Millennials I know. Unless you’re my mom calling me on a Sunday afternoon, I will assume the absolute worst. This goes double for managers who set up 15-minute “Quick Chats” with less than 30 minutes notice. I will have an actual heart attack if you don’t put a happy emoji somewhere or hint that it’s a good meeting and not one to dread.

STYLE & BEAUTY

• The most basic skincare routine is: cleanse, moisturize, SPF. You can add in toner and/or treatment in between cleansing and moisturizing, but if you’ve never had an actual skincare routine, those are really the only three things you need. Any brand who influencer who tells you toners, serums, and eye creams aren’t optional is trying to sell you those exact things—and I actually use all of them, because I enjoy them! But when my skin has its semi-annual shit fit, I dial it back down to those three and it starts calming down and clearing up pretty quickly.
  
• Women’s clothing must have real pockets. This is no longer optional and definitely non-negotiable.

DRIVING

• No matter where you’re going, Driver picks the music by default, but the front seat Passenger has one veto per trip, which resets every time you exit and return to the car. So on a 12-hr road trip, the passenger gets another veto when you get back in the car after stopping for food or gas, not one veto for the whole 12-hr drive. Drivers, if you want to be really magnanimous, offer to let the Passenger control the playlist for an entire leg. Passengers, Drivers retain unlimited veto power in this situation, so don’t screw it up. Backseat riders, you're SOL unless you make a request you know the whole car will enjoy.
  
• Stop flickin’ your butts. You wouldn’t throw straight up trash out of your window while driving (hopefully?) so why are you still flicking cigarettes? The majority of cigarette filters are made of non-biodegradable plastic, no matter what someone told you back in high school about American Spirits. Do not flick them from your car window, and if your car doesn’t have an ashtray, it might be time to take the hint. Please, for the love of our planet and in the spirit of not littering, toss them in an appropriate trash receptacle.
  
• When someone lets you over or turn left in traffic, acknowledge them. I don’t think a lot of Zoomers know this because apparently none of them really care about owning or driving cars, but a nod and a small wave are really all you need. The other driver might not see or even care, but at least you can rest easy in the comfort of knowing your mother raised you right.

SOCIAL GRACES

• Return the goddamn grocery carts to the pens in the parking lot. I cannot believe people still do this. It’s definitely gotten better in my lifetime, but every so often someone leaves a Target cart in front of the Michael’s next door and I feel the proverbial flames on the side of my face fanning out into what very well could be my actual Joker moment. It’s literally the easiest thing in the world to not to be a dick. The easiest!
  
• If you continue supporting stuff that's objectively bad, at this point, you’re making a conscious decision. You just can't feign innocence/willful ignorance on some stuff anymore. Shopping on Amazon is allegedly still somewhat convenient, but you don’t actually need to use it at all. (Hint: Buy directly from the brand site when you can. They usually have good discount codes, too). Harry Potter fans, why do you still act like JK Rowling isn’t a bad person and pretend your dollars don't go directly into her pocket when you buy anything from that IP? Are you a comedy bro who's still into Louis CK and Dave Chappelle? Do you park in disabled spots with no disabled signs or stickers because you're just really in a rush and it's okay because no one ever parks there? Is defiantly defending R. Kelly or Marilyn Manson or Chris Brown or Johnny Depp or Brad Pitt or any other hottie from your youth who turned out to be an actual monster really a hill worth dying on? Ask yourself why, and if it’s worth knowing that other people will judge you for it, and that judgement won’t be positive. It’s not “cancel culture,” it’s not supporting bad/harmful things. I believe in you–you can do it!!
  
  RELATED: If you are judging someone for any of the aforementioned infractions, keep it to yourself unless they are actively harming someone, and be secure in the knowledge that you are a better person than any grown-ass adult who still buys Harry Potter shit without thinking twice.
  
• It’s puff-puff give, and pass it to the left. Bone Thugs -n- Harmony were abundantly clear on this, and their wisdom is to be respected.

Get Your Links On

🏈 Yes, I work in advertising, and no, I didn't watch the Super Bowl. I only watched last year because the Bengals were in it–before then I hadn't watched since Prince's halftime show in 2007. I used to just watch for the commercials, but now I don't even need to do that anymore: everything just gets shared online the next day.

🎭 Go ahead and pour one out for Whose Line Is It Anyway–the boys are hanging up their silly hats after its upcoming 20th season. Here's a great interview with legend Colin Mochrie on more than 30 years of getting paid to act ridiculous on TV.

👑 Are you a secret Mary Queen of Scots stan like me, or did you grow up normal? Cryptographers recently decoded dozens of her letters written while she was held prisoner by Elizabeth I, and the findings are illuminating.

🤼‍ As a relatively new wrestling fan/mark, I'm still unaware of many of the behind-the-scenes machinations of the professional wrestling industry up until 2021. Regardless, I love seeing All Elite Wrestling, my promotion of choice, and its goofy Millennial owner Tony Khan getting some mainstream pop in the press for making the current WWE monopoly nervous as hell.

That's all for this week's edition of The Enthusiast! If you're not already a subscriber and you like what you see, please sign up to get new editions in your Inbox every week(ish):

Until next week, here's a peek at how fitness influencers filter and distort their bodies on social media for fun and profit (peep r/instagramreality if you want a better/broader/more terrifying view), fangirl over Joey B's unparalleled White Boy Drip, and learn the real truth about Diet Coke.

Yours in rule-making (and sometimes breaking!),
LKH